Monday, Bloody Monday
Monday morning I got up a bit later than usual and said to my husband (Jerry), “Ok, honey, are you ready to do nothing and say nothing with me?” Yes, good. I got dressed for work and went downstairs. I stood there feeling all my urges to remind and direct and do and then forced myself to sit down.
Fenner and Ellen were busy getting ready and were soon set to go. But where was Charlotte? I shrugged. “I don’t know. When everyone is ready in the car, I’ll take you to school.” Fenner and Ellen waited impatiently a bit longer and then took turns trying to wake her up and convince her to get dressed. Finally she got up and got dressed and we all got in the car. But Charlotte had no coat, no backpack, and no lunch. As I cranked the engine I thought: I don’t know if I can do this! Send her to school like that? What would everyone think? And then Fenner said, “Charlotte please put on your seatbelt,” and I thought, ok, ok, good, that’s a good reason not to go yet. And I turned the engine off and calmly said, “That’s ok, I can wait.”
Just then it dawned on Charlotte that she didn’t have a coat or her backpack or any food and so she refused to put her seat belt on. I said, “When everyone’s ready with seat belts on, I will drive to school.” Charlotte started crying, and they all started fighting, really badly. Fenner let out a truly blood-curdling scream of frustration directed right at Charlotte and I think she might have punched her, but I kept my eyes forward and said, “I’m going back inside. When everyone’s ready, come get me.”
Charlotte followed me inside and started having a full-out tantrum. I said, “As soon as you’re ready, we’ll go.” And I went back to the car. I sat out there and listened to the 2 older girls make a plan that tomorrow they would take the bus to school so they wouldn’t have to wait for Charlotte. Charlotte continued her tantrum inside. When she saw that her lunch wasn’t made she came out and opened the driver-side door and yelled, “You are a butt-head mommy and I’m going to punch you in the nose!” I put my hand up to my face because it seemed like she really might do it. She ended up punching me twice in the arm instead. I sat there looking at my hands and saying, “When everyone’s ready I’ll drive to school.” Charlotte went back inside again. Behind me, Fenner was hyperventilating and Ellen was working very hard to try to make her laugh. (Meanwhile, we’re having work done on our house and the workmen were coming in and out and I tried not to think about what they must think!)
Pretty soon we all got cold and joined Charlotte inside. Before long, they all ended up in the living room and turned on the TV and debated about going to school. Someone came out and made popcorn and went back to the living room. Jerry was beside himself. It was all he could do to keep his mouth shut. I had to talk him through it. He said, “What’s to keep them from just doing this all week?” Secretly I thought to myself: I’m not really sure. But what came out of my mouth was, “We have to trust that they will figure out that going to school is a good idea.” Please, please…. All day long and into the night they watched a lot of TV. Jerry left on his business trip. (It’ll be just me until Friday afternoon.) And then, at 9:20pm, all three of them said, “I’m tired,” and marched upstairs and totally put themselves to bed. Charlotte cried for about 30 seconds when she couldn’t get the cap off of something, and then it was quiet.
That night I thought to myself: So, if they choose not to go to school, then I don’t go to work … Is that right? It must be, because the only way to change their minds–if that’s what they choose–is to coax, cajole, direct, beg, etc. All those things I can’t do. Wow, what a trip.
Explore posts in the same categories: Week 1: Do nothing. Say nothing
May 15, 2009 at 8:59 am
Are you able to work from home when Charlotte decides not to go to school? How would your method of dealing w/ her refusal to go to school change if you worked outside the home and had to go to work?
May 15, 2009 at 10:34 am
Hi, great question. I’ve wondered about that myself! I am fortunate to be able to work from home as needed. Although many times I do have meetings and appointments that require my coming in to the office, so it’s not completely flexible. So my husband and I talked about this issue during the first week and basically we agreed to commit to doing this thing whole hog, and that for this first week, because it was so important to learn where our kids were at, our jobs would take a back seat, and we would call in sick if we had to. We knew we couldn’t do that indefinitely, so we just had to trust that with all this new information, we’d be able to figure out: what will it take for all our girls to choose to go to school? So far this approach has worked beautifully.
May 9, 2011 at 11:13 pm
I work from home too, and my two (six and seven yrs.) were a mess this week. The first night, at eight o’clock (the usual bedtime) I said that I was going to bed and I went upstairs. They decided to stay up and watch tv, and it was past midnight when they finally came upstairs. They overslept the next day, and when they finally woke up, I explained to them that I had appointments that I had to keep, and that I was leaving in 30 minutes. I told them that I was going past the school, so I could give them a ride, but otherwise, they would have to call a taxi – and did they have the required $12-15 in the piggy banks upstairs? They did forget a backpack, they wore the same clothes to school for a second day in a row, but they were in the car when I turned the key…
May 23, 2011 at 9:23 am
Hi, thanks for writing! Sorry for my slow response, I’ve been out on medical leave. (Nothing serious.) Hey, they were in the car when you turned the key – amazing, aren’t they? They can handle sooo much. I’m getting ready to post about letting my girls set their own bedtime. Fascinating journey. How are things going for your kids now?
February 17, 2012 at 3:36 pm
[...] that first week when Charlotte threatened to punch me in the nose because her lunch wasn’t made? I do. But it [...]