Beating out Abe

The other day Charlotte handed me her school journal and said, “Here, you can read this.” About halfway through, I saw this entry. I didn’t make a big deal, I just said, “Wow, that’s really nice. Thank you.”

But it is a big deal. I stared at it and thought, what a huge perk of raising thinking kids: To be a person that your kids enjoy being around. If this is how Charlotte remembers me after she’s out in the world … yeah … I can live with that 🙂

If I could spend the day with anyone I would go with my mother. I choose her because if I spent time with Abraham Lincoln there would be nothing to talk about. He would be a total stranger. With my mom I can talk about anything or go anywhere. She is so fun to be around. —Charlotte

Quotables 3

First post in a long time … here’s a glimpse of our continued progress:

• “I thought about just staying home, but last time I skipped school on purpose, it was really hard to catch up.”
• “I figured out if I do jumping jacks when I first get up then I won’t go back to sleep.”
• “That’s because I’m smarter than you, mom.”
• “Ok mom, if you won’t tell me ‘no,’ then I’ll use my frontal lobe to tell myself ‘no.'”
• “My friends say our bathroom is disgusting. We need to fix this!”
• “Well that was a fail. Oh, well, live and learn!”
• “Mom, what would you do without me?”
• “Mom, it was better before you fiddle-fuddled with it!”
• “I hate when I need help with a little thing and then I got it and then they keep helping me even though I don’t want any more help…it’s like, just answer my question and then stop.”
• “You don’t have to go to school, but it’s a good idea.”
• “After that, I still have like $450 left!”
• “I have a plan for my new phone — at bedtime I’ll plug it in all the way across the room so I don’t look at it … that’ll work for me.”
• “They should do a show about us. We have the best family!”

Overheard

“My dad complains about wrappers left around the house while he goes around picking them up! Then he nags us about the dinner dishes while we’re still eating, and then starts cleaning those too! We’re like, cool! You can do it all for us!”

But I want another cookie…

The Holidays can wreak nutritional havoc on any child’s eating habits—and picky eaters can contribute much undue stress and conflict if we choose to let their preferences take center spotlight…Let it go.  The bottom line is—one day of bad eating will not ruin your child’s health, and most likely they will remember the party as a whole lot of fun!…Besides, if you’ve ever had too much of a good thing, then well, you know there are lessons to be learned that you’ll only discover for yourself via indulgence. — “Holiday Parties and Picky Eaters” by Vicki Hoefle

I’ve got three pick…um…kids who prefer to have complete control over what they put in their mouths. I gave up the fight a long time ago and it has done wonders for our relationships with each other and for their relationship with food.

“Follow your own path and let the people talk.” —Dante

Nowhere have I had to do that more than in the area of feeding my kids. Judgements and opinions about kids and food flow freely and fiercely. Work your boundaries and shut them out. Give your relationships with your kids priority and fit your food values in around that. Figure out how to give…up…the…fight.

I’ll tell you the basics of how I did it, not so you can copy me, but to share just one story of someone following their own path:

1. I set a few clear limits and enforce them at the grocery store to keep food debates out of the house (e.g. I’m not willing use my money to buy candy, soda or other sugary drinks, or anything with high-fructose corn syrup).
2. At restaurants I’m willing to pay for one sugary drink, but no refills.
3. Every day they have a choice to either have what I’m having or make their own meal. (We enjoy a lot of family time cooking side-by-side.)
4. Parties are treated as opportunities to make their own choices and experience natural consequences.

This approach has worked well for us. A few recent quotes to give you a taste of the results:

• “I didn’t like it. But I tried it!”
• “Don’t worry, if I eat all of this then I won’t want it again for a long time. That’s what always happens.”
• “I don’t want all that sugar. It puts plaque on my teeth.”
• “Don’t ask if I want broccoli. Just put it in front of me.”
• “I told my friends not to get me candy for my birthday.”
• “I know from experience that if I eat chocolate all day I don’t feel good.”
• “Mom, can we get this? It doesn’t have any high-fructose corn syrup and the ingredients list is pretty short!”

So find your own way to let it go…unless you want to spend a lot of precious time having conversations like this:

Do nothing, say nothing (advanced version)

For the past several years I’ve been living the “do nothing, say nothing” philosophy of staying out of my daughters’ way whenever possible. That includes the “when in doubt, don’t say anything” approach, as well as the “when you feel the urge to help, wait at least 30 seconds” rule-of-thumb.

But I’ve never repeated that first solid week of completely stepping back…until now. Last week I went on a business trip and my girls, now ages 11, 13, and 15, were alone in the house for five days.

As I prepared for the trip, I felt grateful to PoT for showing me how to trust my kids and foster their independence. Because of that, leaving them alone didn’t seem like a big deal. I stocked up on groceries, taped a list of pet care duties to the fridge, and told them which family and friends they could call for emergencies and rides.

Then, after the chorus of nonchalant “bye-mom”s, I drove away.

I called them each evening to say goodnight. Charlotte called me once with a question (that I don’t remember now), and at one point I listened to a short debate about who was going to scoop out the cat box first.

On day four Ellen sent me this photo collage entitled, “Home alone”:

Then she added, “Mom all of the milk in bowls in the sink is sour and clumpy and it smells disgusting.”

I replied, “Hmm, what to do, what to do…” and braced myself for the mess as I headed home the next day.

But after all these years I should’ve known that Vicki Hoefle was right: “Have faith in your children and their abilities – BEFORE they have proven they deserve it.”

And, voila…welcome home.

Walking the walk … of trust

“I indicated that I would not be signing homework logs or reading logs and that I would be giving my child permission to sign my name. And then I told the teacher why. And I was clear about this. I went back to my original statement – I am raising a thinking child and I have no intention of interfering with their thinking by lecturing, nagging, reminding, scolding, bribing or saving them from their first chance at investing in their own educational success. Homework I stated was between the teacher and my child and if there were consequences for not turning in homework I expected the teacher to dole them out to my child. I would support the teacher unless humiliation was involved in the consequence.” —Vicki Hoefle

Last year I said something similar to Charlotte’s 5th grade teacher and after the initial shock wore off, he said, “All right then, I guess we’ll give it a try.”

Later, at a parent conference he remarked, “I must say that the other day Charlotte hadn’t signed her reading log and when I pointed it out she said, ‘Oh…well…I forgot to do my reading last night.’ So, what do you know? It’s working!”

This year, I wrote the following note. Charlotte happily took it to school…

The difference 3 years can make

It’s been approximately 3 years since I cleaned out Ellen’s room for her. She actually likes to keep stuff off her floor and she vacuumed at least once in a while, so it was relatively easy for me to stay out of her way on this one. But she has also enjoyed collecting things, and her bedroom has only so many shelves and drawers. Still, I stayed out of it. Gave her lots of space and time. And here’s what happened last week:

“Mom, I’ve been cleaning out my room. There’s a lot of stuff I don’t want anymore.”

“Wow. What motivated you?”

“I looked around and saw trash everywhere. Plus I could only vacuum small parts of my rug because of all the stuff. I’ve gotten rid of more stuff than I own now. It looks a lot better but I still have more to do. I want to be done by August 26th. I don’t know why I picked that date. That’s just my goal.”

Kids need time and space to get to know themselves. Sometimes a LOT of time and space. Yes it can be messy, inconvenient, and hard to watch. And so, so worth it. Self-knowledge is part of self-love. Give your kids that gift and it will serve them for the rest of their lives.

ps Amidst the piles I also found this note:

The difference 2 years can make

Going through photographs today, I stumbled across two photos of our family problem board taken 2 years apart. This shows what can happen when kids are given time and space to solve their own problems. Two years can seem like an eternity, I know. But this slow, steady progress is the kind that sticks. For life…

2009 Problem Board

2011 Problem Board

Dear _____

Recently, I took a “Leadership Workshop for Girls and Moms” offered by my friend and fellow Parenting-On-Track-er, Cindy Pierce. Since it was for middle school girls, only my 7th-grader, Ellen, was eligible to attend with me. One of the exercises Cindy had us do was write a letter about our hopes and appreciations for each other. For each letter she provided some structure (italics) and had us fill in the blanks. Since I know my Parenting-On-Track training greatly influenced my letter, I wanted to share it with you.

And if anyone reading this is concerned that my parenting style could result in children who feel alone and abandoned, perhaps Ellen’s letter will provide some reassurance (published with permission):

Dear Mother,

I appreciate that you are always there for me when I need help, and you always listen to what I want and let me choose my own life.

I am proud of you for accepting the mess I give you.

Without you I would not have an outlet for stress and probably would become a homeless person, and because of you I will always have a place to go.

My greatest hope for you is that you find a good place to retire.

Love, Ellen

---

Dear Daughter,

I hope that you grow up to be your own best friend, loving and trusting yourself.

I want you to experience both success AND failure, and to always have confidence that you will figure things out.

I know you will learn to know what’s in your own heart and will also build the courage to stay true to yourself and say what you need in relationships.

My greatest hope for you is that your love and respect for yourself will guide you in your continued love and respect for others and be the foundation for a life full of intentional courage.

Love, Mom

Never too late

One of my dearest childhood friends sent me the message below. I told her I was equally inspired by her story and asked if I could share it here. Her kids are teenagers—it’s never too late to shift and shake things up!

I get it now. You inspired me. So I get home Sunday night and all is well. Kids and husband happy from the weekend. I note that Sarah’s prom dress is hanging on the kitchen chair and some hair styling tools are on the floor in the TV room. Backpacks are strewn around and books and papers about—homework day. Nothing unusual, but what follows is. So Monday I am in school all day helping with a project. I come home and rather than asking the kids questions about their day and homework situation, I go for a run. I come home and make dinner and am feeling very relaxed from our weekend away. That evening I download the Parenting On Track book and I start reading your blog. So enjoyable by the way! I spend most of Tuesday reading the book. Three chapters into it I decide to quit being the maid and I commit to not picking up after the kids and to do an abbreviated version of do nothing say nothing without telling them. Such a simple decision, and immediately the weight lifted off my shoulders. If I only had to clean up after myself, my whole day opened up—how freeing!

After school, Justin had two friends over and the kitchen quickly piled up with dirty dishes, pans and all sorts of debris from the boys making nachos and chocolate milk and not putting away one single thing. The empty bag of chips and bag of cheese sat on the counter instead of in the trash, the chocolate syrup bottle lay on its side and glasses and plates and utensils were all over the kitchen. The Tasmanian teenagers ate a ton and made a huge mess within minutes. Rather than cringing I was silently cheering inside—I wanted more mess to see how the kids would respond. After I made dinner for everyone I cleaned up my mess, including the pots I used to make dinner, but I left everything else. The friends did not clear their plates, the kitchen remained a war zone and we left for basketball. The next morning Justin made himself breakfast and left out the milk, his bowl and the cereal and went to school. Perfect. Sarah doesn’t eat breakfast, but she does leave her clothes and hair brushes strewn about the main floor. Perfect. A friend comes over and asks why I am living in a frat house. I explain and we have a good laugh. She is curious about this experiment and wants to try it at her house, but says that the dishes with the caked on food makes her “too nervous.”

By Wednesday evening Justin comes home and is visibly curious and somewhat disturbed that the house is still a mess. Sarah is oblivious, enjoying her snack surrounded by stale food and dirty dishes. I am sitting on the couch, feet propped up, reading. We chat about their day and Justin says, “This kitchen is a mess, I am going to clean it up.” I say nothing. He looks around, throws one thing away and then makes himself a banana with peanut butter. He comes back to me and we talk some more. Sarah leaves for PT. Justin asks what I did that day and I told him I went for a long run, did some stuff around the house, and went to lunch with a friend. Under his breath he says, “Well you didn’t clean the kitchen.” Secretly smiling inside I said as a matter of fact, “No, I didn’t.” He said, “It’s a mess.” I said, “I am well aware.” Then he looked confused. You could see his brain trying to process what was going on. After a few minutes, I gave in and said, “Justin, everything you see is either your mess or Sarah’s mess.” He paused, looked around the room for evidence to counter my claim, and then not finding any, he laughed in disbelief. He stood up, took an inventory of what was his, and cleaned up the kitchen. After he was done he said, “Wow, a lot of that mess was mine.” Music to my ears. First step achieved—awareness.

We talked and I explained that for the past few days I have been quietly observing him to see what would happen if I did nothing and said nothing. Then I proceeded to tell him all of the things that I noticed, including lots of great things that they do on their own, and how they enjoy each others company, and are responsible with their time etc. Thanks to Vicki, I then explained that dad and I have not done a good job teaching them how to pick up after themselves. We had good intentions, but now we know that we have deprived them of many opportunities to help out and contribute to our family.

An important lesson for me through all of this was my shift in thinking. In the past I would go through the cycle of trying to “get them” to pay attention to their messes, get frustrated when they did not clean up, then I would clean up and be resentful. While I sat quietly and watched them I understood that their lack of awareness was simply due to a lack of training and if I really wanted things to change, first I would have to be willing to change. I would have to be willing to commit to not saving them, to tolerate disorder, and to teach them to be self sufficient. I also came to realize that my children have different tolerances for mess. When I view it this way there is no judgement. Neither one is good or bad depending on their tolerance, just different. My daughter can tolerate a lot of mess, but she is also a calm, content, drama-free teenager. My son has a lower tolerance for mess, and he prefers order.

Justin is now “in on the game” and we are waiting for Sarah to realize that her stuff is all over the house and we have a bet on when she will make the effort to pick up on her own. My guess is that it will be a while. In the meantime I have explained to Justin that I will no longer pick up after him or Sarah. Their rooms and bathrooms are theirs to clean or not clean and it does not matter to me what they choose. I have asked Justin to think about ways we can keep the main living area clean without me or dad reminding or nagging.

This has been really fun! Last night he made a milkshake and cleaned up the mess. I know things won’t change overnight but this has been a great start. Thought you would appreciate the story.